Category: self esteem

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anxiety assertiveness coaching confidence coach growth life coaching mindset people pleasing self esteem

Building on Your Assertiveness, Reducing Stress and Your People Pleasing Tendencies!

Sharing an old post of mine as it’s so important to remember this ❤️

Are you a people pleaser?

Do you find it hard saying no? Leading to overwhelm and stress from putting other peoples needs before your own?

Oh I could write so much about this topic!

You see, the thing is I was a people pleaser, and when I look back to who I was 10 years ago I cringe to the point where I resemble a tomato (now that’s red) The beauty about writing this post, is acknowledging the fact of how far I’ve come. Back in my people pleasing days and not being able to say no; low self-esteem and lack of assertiveness were definitely contributing factors to my people pleasing tendencies – therefore causing me stress. Do you relate to this? Exhausting isn’t it?

Overcoming people pleasing

So how do you learn to say no to people? Am I now an expert in saying no? Absolutely not, and you can’t say no all the time. However, it’s about finding that balance and what suits you. If you listen to your gut and know it doesn’t feel right or if it causes you stress/overwhelm – then it’s ok for you to set those healthy boundaries and say no.

Fear

With me it was “fear” of an awful argument breaking out (I’m not particularly fond of confrontation and would always build up how I really felt inside; the worst thing you can do) and would rather go ahead, stress the hell out of myself and plough along with appointments, get togethers, and making other people happy. I wasn’t assertive and never wanted to come across as rude (ignoring my true internal feelings)

The one person who needs your approval most is yourself. Start building on that relationship

Learning to say no, inner work and mindful practices

So how do you say no without feeling terribly guilty and stressed to the hilt?

  • Start to work on yourself, listen to your gut and take your time. Take baby steps and work on being more assertive.
  • Practice mindfulness to connect with your inner self (whatever mindful practices helps you). I’ve been doing so much of this and with that self-awareness, you tap right into your true inner self – reducing those stress levels. You might not be into mindfulness but it can help to reduce stress and be more in the present moment
  • Write it out. Journaling is great for writing down those thoughts/emotions and learning about yourself.
  • Practice breathing exercises; a great tool for stepping back and reconnecting with yourself.
  • Work with a coach or mentor to gain the right tools to help with your assertiveness if you struggle with your self-esteem
  • Listen to podcasts focused on building confidence/self- esteem and relieving stress

It gets easier

Yes, learning to say no is hard, but the more you say it the easier it gets over time and the less stressed/anxious you will become.

When I look back on a time where I was a big people pleaser, I just wasn’t aware I was doing it and thought it was normal practice to get people to like you – seeking approval.

People pleasing is a trait many people have, for others saying no is so much easier. It also comes down to your personality type and how you cope in certain situations.

Concluding thoughts

Remember to look out for you first. The more you work on yourself; then learning to say no and not pleasing others will become easier. It’s all about finding that right balance. Heck, I’m a Libra myself, and I work with those scales every single day.  Growing, learning, self-awareness and building yourself up to reach that balance.  Growth is a constant journey. You never stop learning/progressing/growing. And take your time with moving forward. You owe yourself that!

Do you want go become the best version of yourself for you and your loved ones?

Do you feel you are constantly pleasing others and putting their needs before your own?

Please do comment and share your views. I would love to hear.

It really is ok saying no. You and your wellbeing are always priority!

Be kind to yourself and keep moving forward at your own pace!

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confidence coach growth health and wellbeing life coaching mindset perfectionisim personal development self esteem stress management

Why perfectionism can be exhausting. Getting that balance right and changing your core beliefs!

“One who fears failure limits his activities”

Henry Ford


Jeepers the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to do well and at such a high standard can be detrimental to our wellbeing. Especially in todays world with social media and people competing with each other. Failing is part of the learning process, but when you’re a perfectionist it is so hard to view that outlook on life. Making mistakes really is part of being human. How do you go easier on yourself you may think? Try to be kind with your self-talk and become more aware of how you criticise yourself. This will help steer you in the right direction i.e, silencing your inner critic and loving who you are with all your flaws (heck we all have them)

When I’ve been too hard on myself

Back when I was studying for my degree and coming up to assignment deadlines; I would chop and change my work so feckin much. My goodness it was never ending at the start of my studies, then procrastination would kick in big time. How did procrastination show up? I would always go on a mad cleaning spree before eventually hitting that submit button. 
Procrastination was in full force, my self-esteem would take a blow like nobody’s business and the stress levels were raised. Why was I feeling this way? It was fear of failing or doing absolutely rubbish. I would get flustered, feel irritable and my head would be swimming with self-doubt.
However, there are times where perfectionism can be seen as a positive. Oh yes, it can make you one determined so and so and a very motivated and disciplined one at that.  But, the overall effects on your health could cause a number of problems such as headaches, binge eating, anxiety and stress to name a few. It’s about being mindful, self-aware and kind with your self-talk.

Research

A meta-analysis study from Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill from 1989-2016 on college students, found that perfectionism had increased over this time due to the young individual’s living in an environment where the pressure of doing well was so high and with many also suffering from anxiety and depression. Also, the study showed how parents are more controlling than generations before. This is no surprise with social media now being a big part of our lives where the perfect life is shown on this platform every single day.


How can you find that right balance?

Perfectionism and being confident with your work (while still working hard at something) are two very different things. When you are confident you can do a good job when you work hard, believe in yourself and don’t overthink things to the point of disaster: but you are being kind with your self-talk. You are happy with what you produce. If it doesn’t go as planned then you learn and grow.  It’s ok to make mistakes. That’s how you learn and do better. 

Learn from your mistakes and take it as feedback for future assignments, work projects, training sessions or whatever you need to improve on. I’m at a stage in my life where I’m not extremely hard on myself when it comes to areas in my life that requires improving. I ask for feedback, learn, take courses and believe in myself so to be the best person, parent and coach.  
    When you’re a perfectionist it never feels good enough and you’re so hard on yourself to the point of raising those stress levels. 

Changing your core beliefs for a more positive outlook

Changing your core beliefs from a negative to a more positive view of yourself can help with perfectionism – as you are being kinder with your self-talk. A core belief is an idea/belief you have about yourself and the world around you. It is deeply rooted and what you firmly believe from your early childhood and how you were raised.

Here are 2 examples of what a core belief would look like and how you can change the narrative:

Core belief

“I’m no good at this and never will be. I will fail”

Change your inner dialogue to:

“How can I improve on this? Do I read more, take courses or ask for feedback/advice?”

Core belief

“I can’t say how I’m really feeling for fear of hurting someone”

Change your inner dialogue to

““I will take a few deep breaths and it’s ok to say how I’m feeling. I know holding it in can feel worse”

Practice

Maybe you are a person that wants everything to just be perfect. Chopping and changing what you’ve written over and over again as that little seed of doubt lingers and those weeds start to sprout big time. Maybe you please everyone to seem like this perfect friend, person? (when deep down you are struggling and ignoring how you really feel). You are an all or nothing type of person.

Trying to be perfect at everything can be exhausting. There really is no such thing as that word perfect. 

Changing your core beliefs can make your self-talk that little bit kinder as you are giving yourself the permission and a chance to learn and grow. Helping you along that path of believing in yourself and your worth. Boosting your confidence and self-esteem. You are changing the negative thought pattern to a more positive outlook. The more you practice changing the narrative, by being aware of your negative thoughts, then it will become easier over time. It does take time, but you will get there, when you work on yourself.

Believe in yourself. Remember, nobody is perfect. Fact.

If perfectionism is taking over your life and you are really struggling, then a mentor, coach or a therapist who specialises in ***CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can really help to give you those tools and to look at things from a completely different perspective.   

  
*** Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a form of therapy that uses problem solving skills to change thinking patterns and focuses on an individual’s present situation; so to move forward in their life and to help cope with difficult situations. 

Are you a perfectionist?

Do share how perfectionism takes control of your life and what helps you?

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anxiety confidence coaching growth mindset health and wellbeing life coaching personal development self esteem social media social media habits stress management writing community

When Social Media Use Becomes Unhealthy. And, 7 Tips to Get That Balance Right!!

Photo ©️ Bernie Egerton

Ah yes, social media!

So, you’re scrolling through FB or Insta, having a little old harmless browse and next thing you know you compare yourself to others. Your mood suddenly changes, you switch to auto-pilot and down that bloody rabbit hole you go, making yourself feel worse. Does this sound familiar to you?

It’s not surprising why we feel bad after a browsing session when it comes to social media. Selfies are plastered everywhere, filters are on hand and those perfect (well edited) life snaps are shown.  The ‘like’ button has also become gold dust to so many people. The list is endless. However, social media platforms can be great for promoting your business, sharing your creativity, highlighting important issues, giving you a right old laugh and raising awareness on so many important causes/subjects. We’re in a time where everything is done online now and working from home is so much more common since the pandemic.

When my relationship with social media started

When I first became acquainted with FB back in 2007, I have to admit I loved it. Social media was a new way to connect with others and I loved checking into places, posting the obligatory holiday snaps, dinner (I know) and basically sharing the snaps I “wanted” the world to see. I thought it was the best thing since sliced bread! Oh boy did that soon change.

When social media becomes unhealthy

Now, when I look back, social media was not one bit healthy for my mental well-being. When the novelty had worn off, my self-esteem would dip whenever I was scrolling or if I was having an off day. Do you find your mood changing when you’re scrolling for eternity? Yep, we’ve all been there!  Great exercise for the thumb but not the brain. My goodness I remember well before mobiles and the internet and managed quite well. I was brought up in the eighties where spending time outside was my social media!

In todays world, don’t you feel lost if your phone isn’t attached to those hands? I’m so much more mindful these days with social media after deleting my personal social media accounts many years ago (I just had to and feel much more happier/content) I still have FB and Insta, but more for hobbies and work. Furthermore, maybe you do have control when it comes to social media use and that’s great – its all about being mindful and getting the right balance. You’re in a time where social media is so powerful and addictive. Try not to compare your life (I know it’s easier said than done) we’re all unique and brilliant in our own ways. You have your weaknesses and strengths. Build on your strengths and what you enjoy doing and what makes you feel good.

Stats (NCHR)

According to NCHR (National Center For Health Research) 45% of adolescents have reported to being online “almost constantly,” whereas 44% stated being online several times a day. This is a huge percentage of younger people spending their time online on a daily basis –  and is bound to have a negative impact to your mental well-being. However, a 2018 survey report (NCHR, 2018) has stated how 31% of adolescents found a positive impact from social media use and connecting with others.  Furthermore, 25% of adolescents found social media to have such a negative impact.

Researchers have also shown how social media can disrupt sleep (NCHR, 2018) I can vouch for this myself, as I used to take my phone to bed (I stopped that years ago)  put it under my pillow and if I woke during the night would have a quick check: then the dreaded scrolling started and it would be hard to get back to sleep from all that stimulation. Leave your phone downstairs at night or switch it off and use an old fashioned alarm. Get that proper nights sleep your body and mind needs.

Finding the right balance

There are positives to using social media when you get that balance right and become more aware when online. If you struggle with your confidence and you find yourself feeling low after spending quite a bit of time scrolling: then take a step back and have a little break to recharge your own batteries.

7 tips on balancing a healthy social media life

1. Ask yourself these questions before going online:

  • How do I feel?
  • What can I do instead?
  • What exactly is making me feel worse?
  • How is this beneficial?

2.  Delete apps from your phone, so you don’t have it handy to constantly check/scroll (by god do I know how addictive it is)

3. Follow positive well-being accounts, these will help you to see the positives. Follow genuine accounts focused on your wellbeing.

4. If it gets too much or overwhelming then take a little break from it. Or even dedicate a day with no social media use every week.

5. Take up a hobby you have always wanted to try or rekindle an old one.

6. Go outdoors (leave that phone at home)  and spend time in nature to recharge your own batteries and connect with yourself. There is so much beauty outside of social media. Breathe in that fresh air, use your 5 senses (what you see, hear, touch, taste and smell) to become more present/mindful!!

7. Become more aware of your feelings when online. Check in with yourself: ask yourself do I feel ok doing this? Set yourself a time limit when online.

Final thoughts

Social media can be so addictive and you can spend wasted hours scrolling – procrastination at its finest!

Channel your energy into what YOU really enjoy. What makes you smile? It’s ok to take a break and remember to always be kind to yourself. Step by step you can change a habit. You are more than enough. You really, really are. I feel so much happier not having a personal social media account anymore and I limit my time spent when browsing on the phone. I’m more aware when online. I channel my energies into what I enjoy, which is being with my family, absorbing nature, writing and coaching. Talk to someone if it all gets a bit too much, it’s ok to share how you’re feeling with someone you trust –  it’s not a weakness but a strength to open up (and at your own pace too)

Thank you for checking out my post and let me know what your relationship with social media is like. Do comment and share your own tips.

Do you need to find a healthier social media balance?

And breathe…