Category: stress management

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Why perfectionism can be exhausting. Getting that balance right and changing your core beliefs!

“One who fears failure limits his activities”

Henry Ford


Jeepers the amount of pressure we put on ourselves to do well and at such a high standard can be detrimental to our wellbeing. Especially in todays world with social media and people competing with each other. Failing is part of the learning process, but when you’re a perfectionist it is so hard to view that outlook on life. Making mistakes really is part of being human. How do you go easier on yourself you may think? Try to be kind with your self-talk and become more aware of how you criticise yourself. This will help steer you in the right direction i.e, silencing your inner critic and loving who you are with all your flaws (heck we all have them)

When I’ve been too hard on myself

Back when I was studying for my degree and coming up to assignment deadlines; I would chop and change my work so feckin much. My goodness it was never ending at the start of my studies, then procrastination would kick in big time. How did procrastination show up? I would always go on a mad cleaning spree before eventually hitting that submit button. 
Procrastination was in full force, my self-esteem would take a blow like nobody’s business and the stress levels were raised. Why was I feeling this way? It was fear of failing or doing absolutely rubbish. I would get flustered, feel irritable and my head would be swimming with self-doubt.
However, there are times where perfectionism can be seen as a positive. Oh yes, it can make you one determined so and so and a very motivated and disciplined one at that.  But, the overall effects on your health could cause a number of problems such as headaches, binge eating, anxiety and stress to name a few. It’s about being mindful, self-aware and kind with your self-talk.

Research

A meta-analysis study from Thomas Curran and Andrew Hill from 1989-2016 on college students, found that perfectionism had increased over this time due to the young individual’s living in an environment where the pressure of doing well was so high and with many also suffering from anxiety and depression. Also, the study showed how parents are more controlling than generations before. This is no surprise with social media now being a big part of our lives where the perfect life is shown on this platform every single day.


How can you find that right balance?

Perfectionism and being confident with your work (while still working hard at something) are two very different things. When you are confident you can do a good job when you work hard, believe in yourself and don’t overthink things to the point of disaster: but you are being kind with your self-talk. You are happy with what you produce. If it doesn’t go as planned then you learn and grow.  It’s ok to make mistakes. That’s how you learn and do better. 

Learn from your mistakes and take it as feedback for future assignments, work projects, training sessions or whatever you need to improve on. I’m at a stage in my life where I’m not extremely hard on myself when it comes to areas in my life that requires improving. I ask for feedback, learn, take courses and believe in myself so to be the best person, parent and coach.  
    When you’re a perfectionist it never feels good enough and you’re so hard on yourself to the point of raising those stress levels. 

Changing your core beliefs for a more positive outlook

Changing your core beliefs from a negative to a more positive view of yourself can help with perfectionism – as you are being kinder with your self-talk. A core belief is an idea/belief you have about yourself and the world around you. It is deeply rooted and what you firmly believe from your early childhood and how you were raised.

Here are 2 examples of what a core belief would look like and how you can change the narrative:

Core belief

“I’m no good at this and never will be. I will fail”

Change your inner dialogue to:

“How can I improve on this? Do I read more, take courses or ask for feedback/advice?”

Core belief

“I can’t say how I’m really feeling for fear of hurting someone”

Change your inner dialogue to

““I will take a few deep breaths and it’s ok to say how I’m feeling. I know holding it in can feel worse”

Practice

Maybe you are a person that wants everything to just be perfect. Chopping and changing what you’ve written over and over again as that little seed of doubt lingers and those weeds start to sprout big time. Maybe you please everyone to seem like this perfect friend, person? (when deep down you are struggling and ignoring how you really feel). You are an all or nothing type of person.

Trying to be perfect at everything can be exhausting. There really is no such thing as that word perfect. 

Changing your core beliefs can make your self-talk that little bit kinder as you are giving yourself the permission and a chance to learn and grow. Helping you along that path of believing in yourself and your worth. Boosting your confidence and self-esteem. You are changing the negative thought pattern to a more positive outlook. The more you practice changing the narrative, by being aware of your negative thoughts, then it will become easier over time. It does take time, but you will get there, when you work on yourself.

Believe in yourself. Remember, nobody is perfect. Fact.

If perfectionism is taking over your life and you are really struggling, then a mentor, coach or a therapist who specialises in ***CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) can really help to give you those tools and to look at things from a completely different perspective.   

  
*** Cognitive Behavioural Therapy is a form of therapy that uses problem solving skills to change thinking patterns and focuses on an individual’s present situation; so to move forward in their life and to help cope with difficult situations. 

Are you a perfectionist?

Do share how perfectionism takes control of your life and what helps you?

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When Social Media Use Becomes Unhealthy. And, 7 Tips to Get That Balance Right!!

Photo ©️ Bernie Egerton

Ah social media!

So, you’re scrolling through FB or Insta, having a little old harmless browse – next thing you know you compare yourself to others and your mood suddenly changes, you switch to auto-pilot and down that bloody rabbit hole you go, making yourself feel worse! Does this sound familiar to you?

It’s not surprising why we feel bad after a browsing session when it comes to social media. Selfies are everywhere, filters are on hand and those perfect (well edited) life snaps are shown.  The “like” button has also become gold to so many people. The list is endless. On the other hand, however, social media can be a great platform for promoting your business, sharing your creativity, highlighting important issues, giving you a right old laugh and raising awareness on so many important causes/subjects. We’re in a time where everything is done online now and working from home is so much more common since the pandemic.

When my relationship with social media started

When I first became acquainted with FB back in 2007, I have to admit I loved it. Social media was a new way to connect with others and I loved checking into places, posting the obligatory holiday snaps, dinner (I know) and basically sharing the snaps I “wanted” the world to see. Oh did that soon change.

When Social Media becomes unhealthy

Now, when I look back, social media was not one bit healthy for my well-being. When the novelty of this new platform had worn off my self-esteem dipped whenever I was scrolling or if I was having an off day. Do you find your mood changing when you’re scrolling for eternity? Yep, we’ve all been there!  My goodness I remember well before mobiles and the Internet and managed quite well. In todays world, don’t you feel lost if your phone isn’t attached to those hands? I’m so much more mindful these days with social media after deleting my personal social media accounts many years ago (I just had to and feel much more happier/content) I still have FB and Insta, but more for hobbies and work. However, maybe you do have control when it comes to social media use and that’s great – its all about being mindful. You’re in a time where social media is so powerful and addictive. Try not to compare your life (I know it’s easier said than done) we’re all unique and brilliant in our own ways. You have your weaknesses and strengths. Build on your strengths and what you enjoy doing and what makes you feel good.

Stats (NCHR)

According to NCHR (National Center For Health Research) 45% of adolescents have reported to being online “almost constantly,” whereas 44% stated being online several times a day. This is a huge percentage of younger people spending their time online on a daily basis –  and is bound to have a negative impact to your mental well-being. However, a 2018 survey report (NCHR, 2018) has stated how 31% of adolescents found a positive impact from social media use and connecting with others.  But, 25% of adolescents found social media to have such a negative impact.

Researchers have also shown how social media can disrupt sleep (NCHR, 2018) I can vouch for this myself, as I used to take my phone to bed (I stopped that years ago)  put it under my pillow and if I woke during the night would have a quick check: then the dreaded scrolling started. Leave your phone downstairs at night or put it into a drawer. Get that proper nights sleep your body and mind needs.

Finding the right balance

There are positives to using social media when you get that balance right and become more aware when online. If you struggle with your confidence and you find yourself feeling low after spending quite a bit of time scrolling: then take a step back and have a little break to recharge your own batteries.

7 tips on balancing a healthy social media life

1. Ask yourself these questions before going online:

  • How do I feel?
  • What can I do instead?
  • What exactly is making me feel worse?
  • How is this beneficial?

2.  Delete apps from your phone, so you don’t have it handy to constantly check/scroll.

3. Follow positive well-being accounts, these will help you to see the positives. Follow genuine accounts focused on your wellbeing.

4. If it gets too much or overwhelming then take a little break from it. Or even dedicate a day with no social media use every week.

5. Take up a hobby you have always wanted to try or rekindle an old one.

6. Go outdoors (leave the phone at home)  Spend time in nature to recharge your own batteries and connect with yourself. There is so much beauty out there and outside of social media. Breathe in that fresh air!!

7. Become more aware of your feelings when online. Check in with yourself: ask yourself do I feel ok doing this? Set yourself a time limit when online.

Final thoughts

Social media can be so addictive and you can spend wasted hours scrolling.

Channel your energy into what YOU really enjoy. What makes you smile? It’s ok to take a break and remember to always be kind to yourself. Step by step you can change a habit. You are more than enough. You really, really are. I feel so much happier not having a personal social media account anymore and I limit my time spent when browsing on the phone. I’m more aware when online. I channel my energies into what I enjoy, which is being with my family, absorbing nature, writing and coaching. Talk to someone if it all gets a bit too much, it’s ok to share how you’re feeling with someone you trust –  it’s not a weakness but a strength to open up (and at your own pace too)

Thank you for checking out my post and let me know what your relationship with social media is like.

Do you need to find a healthier social media balance?

And breathe…

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Sleep. It’s importance and 8 ways to improve your sleeping patterns, for a healthier lifestyle!

Hello there you!

How are you feeling today and did you get a good night’s sleep?

Are you getting enough sleep per night in general; i.e between 7-9 hrs? Are you struggling to fall asleep at the moment?

It’s tough sometimes to get the right amount, especially if you’re a new parent isn’t it? Or you could be going through other major changes in your life; should it be at work, your relationships, college or moving home.

But, getting the right amount of sleep each night is so important in order to decrease those stress levels; and to keep your anxiety levels controlled.  I know myself by not getting those early nights (my youngest is an early riser!) I don’t feel myself. Your concentration is poor the next day, then you reach for the junk food and you lack the motivation to exercise or to move forward with your goals. Getting those early night’s in helps your overall wellbeing and to control stress/ low mood.

Health problems

Sleep problems could cause health issues such as high blood pressure, obesity, diabetes, depression,  heart disease and reduced immune system function (sleepfoundation).This is not surprising as you do reach for unhealthy options when it comes to food ( I do and I’m also too tired to exercise if I haven’t had a good night’s sleep). But, I make sure I get those 8 hrs sleep each night, so I’m more motivated/focused to eat a well balanced diet, to exercise properly and to be more productive the next day.

Statistics

Research has shown:

  • That 40% of aged 18-24 struggle to fall asleep at night (sleep foundation)
  • 33% of people above 55 in the UK also struggle to fall asleep (sleep foundation)
  • 22% of people in general in the UK struggle to fall asleep (NHS)
  • 7-19% of the overall population struggle to get enough sleep (national institute of sleep)
  • 50-70 million Americans have chronic sleep disorders.

Sleep problems during times of stress

What problems do you experience during times of stress? Low quality sleep can affect your physical and mental wellbeing if not controlled/managed. Prolonged sleep problems can cause health problems/diseases.

Common sleep disorders

  • Insomnia
  • Restless leg syndrome
  • Sleep Apnea
  • Narcolepsy
  • Sleep paralysis

During times of high stress I tend to get palpitations prior to falling asleep. I’ve also experienced sleep paralysis a handful of times during my life (now, if you’re aware of sleep paralysis then you know how terrifying that can be! Not pleasant is it?)

8 ways to improve sleep (Sleep Foundation, NHS)

  • Avoid Caffeine (a stimulant) and alcohol just before bed (at least 2hrs) as they can prevent you from falling asleep or going into a more deeper sleep
  • Exercise throughout the day but avoid it just before bed
  • Make sure your sleeping environment is dark, relaxed and with dim lights if you prefer a light on
  • Put away those gadgets – I know how distracting they are.  When I take mine to bed I’m scrolling and wasting valuable sleeping time (we’re all guilty of this aren’t we?) I always leave mine downstairs now.
  • If you’re feeling anxious, do a bit of writing before bed and let those worries out. It really helps.
  • Listen to a bit of relaxation music to help you drift off
  • Stick to going to bed at the same time each night so it becomes a habit/routine over time.
  • Stick to going to bed at the same time each night so it becomes a habit/routine over time.

Do you like your tea/coffee before bed and can’t do without? Maybe try some calming lavender herbal tea instead – to help you drift into a more relaxed/calmer state just before bed.

Concluding thoughts

Take a step back, look at how your sleeping patterns are and adapt (using these tips I’ve shown throughout)

What tips do you have that helps you with sleep?

Thank you for stopping by to check out my post. And, here’s to you having a decent night’s sleep going forward!